Addiction to affection was my greatest escape from reality.
Drinking and being stupidly "easy", was what I thought the answer to gain affection.
Suppose time-travel were possible, I would hop myself back to the moment when I went dumb and tell her:
"In just a couple of years, you will be staring at what you really want and regretting every decision you have made."

I am sorry, I wish I deserved you.

This bed without you, isn't something so new.
But why does it feel strange,
when all parts of my body are thirsty of you?
Even when I'm drunk, I just can't bear the thoughts of you,
in the arms of someone else.
I drank the alcohol till it's empty,
but the tears wouldn't stop, at all.
For days, I thought the signs would lead us somewhere happier.
Somewhere with hopes.


But boy, have I ever been so wrong.

I enjoy superhero or people with superpower movies, and pretty updated with the characters.
I'm pretty much admiring Batman character which, in my opinion, is the toughest and smartest ordinary (but wealthy, I know) man.

But,

Batman or Bruce Wayne is just a character.
Any actor could easily replace the current one like Ben Affleck replaced Christian Bale or Christian Bale replaced the previous one.
I don't think I need any Batman in this real, full of hustle and struggle life.

Because,

I already have my Dad.
My Daddy is the toughest man in my life I've ever known.
He survived 2 stroke attack and still manage to accompany me through my struggling days until now, at this very second.

If that's not a superpower, I don't know what is.

He is the man I can count on when the world, even my own body, is against me.
The one who's willing to give me a massage with his only-working-great left hand, late at night, when I tell him I have a headache.
The one who puts aside his need to make sure I have mine fulfilled first.
He may not be the always-talk-sweetly daddy, he is actually a hard-to-handle one, I must say.

But,

I know that he actually cares, all. the. time.
What I want is him to be always healthy, to see him laugh everytime we are having a silly conversation, to see him looking proudly at when I'm at the top.

Thank you, Daddy.

Nothing could define my thankfulness to be your daughter more than the sentence, I love you so much.

Ini aku, air.

Kalian memang sombong
Terlena akan keindahanku, dan lupa segala apapun yang hidup dariku.

Kalian memang tak tahu diuntung
Memujaku, mengagumiku, tanpa tahu bagaimana cara menyayangiku.

Kalian memang egois
Menikmatiku, tapi tidak menjagaku sebaik-baiknya.

Kumohon, jaga aku.
Jauhkan aku dari plastik-plasti kotor itu.
Dari cairan-cairan berbahaya yang kalian gelontorkan tanpa ampun padaku.
Dari timbunan-timbunan sampah yang mencemari aku.

Penyesalan selalu datang belakangan. 
Dengan aku yang seperti ini saja, kalian sudah mengeluh.
Tapi, kenapa kalian tak sadar juga pentingnya aku?

An uncommon thought

Jujur, saya bukan orang yang menganggap tradisi nyekar itu perlu. Saya pikir, mendoakan seseorang yang telah tiada tidak perlu harus di depan batu nisan, tabur bunga, dan menyiram air mawar. Mendoakan seseorang yang kita sayang, yang telah tiada ataupun yang masih bersama kita, menurut saya bisa dilakukan di mana saja dan kapan saja. Tak perlu menunggu bulan Ramadhan, ataupun momen hari raya keagamaan hanya untuk berhadapan dengan batu nisan berukirkan nama mendiang.

Karena itu,

saya jarang sekali mendatangi kuburan sanak famili, termasuk kuburan ibu saya.

Seseorang bilang, "mereka (orang-orang yang telah tiada) kan nungguin kita untuk jenguk mereka.". Well, kembali lagi saya harus jujur saya bukan orang yang percaya akan nonsense seperti itu. Bahwa yang telah tiada masih ada di sekitar kita, menjadi ruh tak terlihat yang masih bisa melihat dan mendengar kita.

It's just an idea we made so that we could feel less lonely, less depressed for losing someone so deary to us.
 

Menurut saya, yang telah tiada, tiada. Mereka ada di alam sana, alam kubur yang sangat berbeda dari kita dan urusannya di dunia tempat kita hidup sudah selesai.

I agree that they still live in our heart and mind.

Live as a great, happy memory we all need to cherish.

And that's why we keep praying for them.

 

***

November 1961 - Oktober 2010

Kemarin, 13 Juli 2016, tepat 1 minggu setelah lebaran, saya pergi sendirian ke makam ibu saya.

Setelah berhari-hari menjadi anak rewel dan cengeng dikarenakan pre-menstuastion syndrome. Ya, saya berdoa, tabur bunga, dan menyiram air mawar di kuburnya. Jujur saja, saya berharap omongan orang-orang itu benar. Bahwa mereka masih ada di sana, menunggu.

Setelah mengucap salam dan berdoa, saya banyak bercerita. Tentang hidup, tentang ayah, tentang diri saya sendiri, segala macam, yang telah ibu saya lewatkan setelah beliau tiada. Tangis saya jelas pecah, rasa rindu tak terbantahkan. Saya sangat ingin menghilangkan pikiran skeptis saya dan percaya beliau ada di sana, bersama saya, mendengarkan saya bercerita.

Ah. Entah.

Setelah bercerita saya merasa lumayan lega.

Mungkin itu yang saya butuhkan.

Bercerita, menghilangkan beban.

And a moment of solitude.

The night had fallen
There came the darkness
And the beautiful mysteries it holds
As we, the lovers, hid in my room
Warm bodies came together 
Blanket sheets left out
Dim light strengthened our senses
Our lips had become one
With the door slightly ajar
Through silence we tried hard not to break
There we were
Expressing our love in our way

Oh our good ol' time. 
Our adolescence days.